Ottawa Senators Stanley Cup Victory Parade

Ottawa Senators Stanley Cup Parade

(Inspired by Diakos’ much less plausible ‘Leafs Cup Parade’)

Bite me, you inbred, over-excitable Leafs fans – especially you Diakos. When the Sens win the cup (which will be before the leafs do next, doesn’t matter when as any time is before never) you’ll be the second one I call to ask “Y u mad??” Dundas Square downtown shall be filled with screaming, joyful Sens fans chanting “Go Sens Go!” as all the leafs fans slink away in silent. They’re obnoxiously loud after a win (Makes sense, after all, the big W is quite rare for them) but after a loss, you’d think they’re nonexistent! So sad… 

We will roar as whoever is our captain at the time (let’s be honest, Alfie will be retired and his number shall be retired by the Sens too if they know what’s good for them) hoists the great Stanley Cup over his head after a victory over whatever opponent had the misfortune of facing the Sens in the finals. First stop in our victory parade? Why, Toronto of course! For the entire purpose of mockery, we shall take a helicopter ride with the cup around the CN Tower and then stop by the Toronto islands to polish it and give it a tan on them beaches. After a quick stop at the ACC for some jokes and eating fries from the legendary bowl (and Burkie’s Dogs too), we’ll depart for the west. Winnipeg will for the first time see the glint of sunlight on Lord Stanley and be green with envy. A brief visit to Edmonton has us asking Eberle to join the Sens, following by a stampede through Calgary, who by this time shall be the worst team in the league as they have no prospects. Then it’s straight on to Vancouver, who upon seeing the cup in the hands of another team, decides to riot again. This time their entire city burns down, making the Stanley Cup the most powerful weapon of mass destruction ever unleashed upon Canadian soil. Escaping the blaze, we travel down the western United States, asking the San Jose sharks why they’re so mad before realizing they don’t have a cup. The we visit every US NHL city in turn. Not Columbus though, the Blue Jackets have since folded and Rick Nash plays for the Blackhawks. Second last stop – Montreal! The Habs fans whine, complain, scream (all of which is in French so we don’t understand it) and then they stuff themselves with poutine in depression. Final stop? Ottawa of course! Go Sens Go!